HBO’s missing link

Dear David Milch, creator of Deadwood,

I think I know why HBO cancelled your show. Despite the fact that it’s AWESOME, it’s clearly missing something.

I think, looking at the picture, I know what that something is…

…me!

I am available to start work on Deadwood Season 4 whenever HBO re-signs you. I have attached this promo poster to convince them to put Deadwood back on air. I know it will sell lots of copies. Feel free to use it for promo.

Confession.

I will admit I have been guilty of relentlessly mocking Patrick for some of his entertainment choices and then getting sucked in, … and … kind of liking it.

Case in point – the HBO series Deadwood. Although I must admit, the promo poster, pretty enticing. And while normally, a woman, in a saloon, in those boots, would totally pull me in, I was in hate with this show. Mainly I think because it is so dirty. And I don’t mean the language. (that I obviously had no problem with – being that I speak French…fluently) I mean the dirt. Everyone is all walking around in it, fighting in it, getting it kicked up in their face. It’s dirty muddy, usually containing a pleasant assortment of urine, blood & or feces, dirt.

But, being such a model wife and all, I looked the other way as Patrick, blinded by his addiction, bought the complete first season. And if we could please get me a F-ing medal over here, I even agreed to watch it with him. And can I just say, Damn, is the boy never wrong?

I am obsessed with this show. David Milch you are a golden god. Aside from the fact that the dialogue is hilarious and yet never feels stilted or forced, the characters are so well written. These characters are possibly the most well developed characters of any show on television. I really belive them, their pasts, their actions, their weaknesses, their small triumphs (and in the series, any triumph is small, very small) Not only that, but I find myself liking them. and their particular brand of crazy.

So, Patrick, please be sitting for this. You were right.

Now, please hold your head so it doesn’t explode while I honor Deadwood by sharing my favorite quotes from the episode we just watched, “Plague.” (with minor running commentary for those unfortunate Deadwood-virgins out there.)

This is Al Swearengen, the owner of the Gem Saloon. He is sleezy and immoral and sarcastic and occasionally has these redeeming moments that just make you love him.

(Most of the dialogue is concerning the smallpox outbreak at the camp. Sidenote- the minister is crazy…like talks to himself and says bizarre cryptic things crazy. That is what makes the second quote so funny.)

Al: ” First thing to say is, plague’s in the fucking camp.”
Doc: “Smallpox…plague is spread by rats.”
Al: “I was raised callin it plague, but God wants that in reserve, in case our luck holds and the rats decide to descend on us too.”

…

Al: Give some sort of positive angle to it, vaccine’s on its way, or looks like it’s the mild fuckin type.”
Minister: It would also be useful to avoid apocalyptic predictions
Al: yah, nip that sodom and gommorah shit in the bud, hm?

…
(Merrick prints the town newspaper, and all the men are together looking over his shoulder, trying to make sure he gives the story the right spin.)

Merrick: “The vaccine will be distributed gratis.”
Al: Free gratis.
Merrick: Free gratis is a redundancy.
EB: does that mean ‘repeats itself?’
Al: Then leave gratis out.
Merrick: What luck for me Al, that you have such a keen editorial sense. Free. Distributed Free. Period.”

…

And I think this may be from the next episode, but this dialogue between Al and his crazy hotel owner/errand boy EB, is so funny. Al has sent EB to try and buy a claim from a widow that he, Al, knows to have gold on it. She is supposed to be doped up, but they are suspecting she has been fooling them.

EB: “I checked in on the woman daily. If I was fooled, perhaps I’ve chosen simple-mindedness, Al, over realizing a certain friend has used me as an instrument of purposes he’s concealed”
Al: “Say what you’re gonna say or prepare for eternal fucking silence.”
EB: “I don’t belive you comissioned me to make an offer on the widows claim to keep the regulators off you, Al, I think someone found something out there you want.”
Al: “Assume you aint been privy to the ins and outs of that matter for the sake of fuckin conversation, huh? I mean, was I a sleepy bee when you and me declared undying loyalty and full faith disclosure about every fucking detail, of every fucking move we’re ever going to make together?”
EB: “You used me as a pawn Al”
Al: “And you fucked up the game is the central fucking present issue.”

(when Al says “sleepy bee” I started laughing so hard.)
…

And where would the show be without the lovable, drunkass, potty-mouthed Calamity Jane? Actually where would I be? I am now taking applications for a lovable, drunkass, potty-mouthed sidekick. Must be fluent in French. and toilet trained.

Doc: “I take it you been out on a hoot”
Jane: “I been drunk awhile. Correct. What the FUCK is it to you?
Doc: “Question’s well meant like, if you was a farmer, I’d ask you how farming was going.”

…

EB: Be brief.
Jane: Be FUCKED!
EB: Her gutter mouth and the widow in an opium stupor…a conversation for the ages.

And lastly, I just love Trixie:
Trixie is one of Al’s whores, and she is one of the saddest characters to me. I just want things to work out for her so bad. Obviously, there weren’t really a lot of options for women without social connections. but still. it’s Trixie.

This isn’t really from this episode…or this season for that matter, but it’s one of Trixie’s best lines when she says, “tread lightly who hope for pussy.”

Thus, and therefore, in honor of Deadwood, I leave you with this, my parting exclamation, all wrapped up like the nugget of eternal gold that it is:

!!COCKSUCKAHS!!

and Al, “I sure am glad I taught him that word”