What is definitely going to happen in Lost Season 6

I’m not gonna lie, I had a hard  time getting into Lost.  Part of it was that I had this pretentious douchy roommate who was obsessed and would blog on her super cool Lost blog (if you’re reading this, former roomie, go fuck yourself!  oh, and say hi to your mom for me!)  Part of it is that polar bears, smoke monsters, Benjamin Linus’s oddly rodent like face, what?!?

But the hub liked it and I have long periods of staring straight ahead while nursing a baby so I have been catching up on a lot of TV.  First season was excellent then it got a little meh, but now I am how excited for the new season? Sooooooo excited!

In honor of the new episode, I have some predictions and you should know, I’m a little bit psychic, so… just take it as fact.  so… SPOILER ALERT – these things will definitely happen! (also spoiler on the past epis, so just, you know, reader beware)

The Parallel Timelines

The bomb worked sort of and they have created a parallel existence.  This will be slightly confusing for everyone when they meet themselves, except for the Kates, who will promptly start getting it on with each other in the most watched episode yet.

Jacob/Man in Black

It appears Jacob is actually dead.  It would have been nice if we cared more who he was when he died, but now it is going to take Christian and Claire’s help to kill the smoke monster/man in black/john locke.  Turns out, all it takes is water.  Dammnit.  Afterwards everyone is pissed  no one remembered M. Night Shyamalin’s lamest twist ever and tried it sooner.  Also, ironic since they are on an island, folks.

Jack/Kate/Sawyer Love Triangle

You thought it was ridiculous before??  Well, everything is going to get super ridiculous when they meet their dual selves… Ready? keep up!  Sawyer #2 falls for Kate #2 on the plane, but Kate #2 falls in love with Island Jack, whose feeling for Juliette have flared up since she died.  But she’s still dead, sorry Island Jack.  Jack #2 falls for Island Kate, who has decided she is in love with Island Sawyer.  Island Sawyer decides he’s gay and in a shocking twist from J.J. Abrams, the whole final episode is Sawyer and Hurley getting it on.  The world collectively throws up a little.

Escape

Everyone will die on the island in their struggle to kill the man in black except Sun and Jin who are reunited and get to leave to go back to their baby, as shown in a touching montage set to either Gary Jules’s Mad World or Green Day Time of your Life. Possibly also Rose and Bernard will be allowed to live.  Kate will live but wont be able to see Aaron again.  Instead she will adopt and creepily mother a cat named Mr. Sprinkles.  Also Benjamin Linus lives, pissing off everyone who hates him.  So, everyone.

Lastly, I predict that Paulo and Nikki will rise from the dead to say a big “Fuck You” to everyone who complained about that episode.  Again, so, everyone.

Now that I’ve saved you some time on Tuesday nights, you can fill it by baking me cookies.  I prefer chocolate chip.  Oh, and you’re welcome.

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