Christmas time is almost upon us and I can’t help but wonder what cool new things I should buy Sebastian’s love with get for Sebastian. As I scoured the internets I was instead struck by the number of things I will NOT be buying for my baby. Save yourself the trouble and if you are tempted to buy any of these, turn and run. far, far away.
The Top Ten Worst Baby Gifts
First of all, let’s set our parameters. Here is what we are trying to avoid. This is a photo of me with a traumatizing toy from my own childhood. Can you guess which one it is?
While the freaky half-naked ginger kid on top is a little awkward, the one that haunts my dreams is definitely the creepy ass clown.
Perhaps the worst part was that the body was made of a solid wooden block… I think it was so it could sit on a shelf, but somehow my parents thought it would make a good toy for me. Honestly, it might as well have been out of concrete. Goodbye, childhood. Hello, concussion.
AND SO, without further ado,
The Top Ten Worst Baby Gifts
(subtitled, things I will not buy Sebastian this year)
10. These stuffed toys
What? You will say to me. That is cute, what is it, a stuffed sun?
No, I will say, it is not. It is not a stuffed sun.
It is herpes (as demonstrated by the photo to the left). Cute Herpes. And now, meet Herpes’s friends, Chlamydia, Syphilis and Gonorrhea. Adorable!
And while this may not be the perfect gift for the child in your life, it just may be for your ex’s new significant other. Whore! Ordering Info here. Just please don’t give me the clap.
9. “Where’s the Poop?”
At first glance, this appears to be a book about constipation, which is no laughing matter, truuuuuust me. Looking closer, however, the little boy appears to be wearing a bib and he is eyeing the penguin suspiciously…
The Amazon review describes the book: “This engaging lift-the-flap book shows children that all creatures have a place to poop: tigers in the jungle, kangaroos in the outback, and monkeys in the rain forest”
Wait, wait, let me get this straight, we are encouraging little boys to search for hidden poop now? Last I checked, that’s all they do.
As seen on the daily show, baconnaise is perfect for those times it is just too much trouble to fry up bacon, slather it in mayo, and then blend it until you can drink it with a straw. As tired as I am of babies never getting to sample the truly gourmet products in life…no… yeah. just no.
7a. Baby High Heels
Aptly titled “Heelarious” I can just see two women sitting around, eating caviar off ridiculously tiny crackers,
“You know what babies need?”
“A pacifier slathered in baconnaise?”
“What? No. A little sex appeal.”
And while there is a good chance at some point Sebastian will want to try his hand at cross dressing… I’m not going to get that ball rolling for him. Also–bonus–check out the baby’s static induced mohawk. that barrette is fighting a losing battle, hun.
While we are on the subject of gender specific items:
Barrettes for the little long-hair in your life. At only $8.50 from Kidcosmic.com, it’s hard to resist… but..
Reason the number one I will not buy them for Sebastian: our baby is hella bald.
Reason the number two: dude still looks like a lady. also, did I mention Sebastian is bald?
5. Anything related to Muppet Monsters, in particular, Sweetums
Patrick is (to this day) terrified of Sweetums. Sometimes when, “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.” doesn’t work, I pull out the “It’s yummy yummy time!” and Patrick forgets all about it, what with the curling up in a fetal ball and being hysterical and all.
Also, is it just me or is his nose distressingly phallic? Although he does make a pretty convincing action figure.
OK, I get it. Babies are messy eaters, but this full body bib…
a little creepy. It’s like a midget jumper mated with assless chaps…. for babies. Here’s a child actually using it…
Functional? I don’t know, I guess if your child is more likely to spill on his pants than his sleeves…
3. Peekaru – ie the baby snuggie
Seriously dudes, wtf? Before it was an internet meme, it was a real product, called a Peekaru. As if a regular snuggie were not creepy enough. For obvious reasons, you can not just upload a picture like that to the internet and expect it to remain inviolate. My favorite photoshop jobs:
and this one, which expertly isolates the products value
My one question is, why photoshop a product that looks this creepy normally?
Now for fat kid/caterpillar hybrids!
2. This Teddy Bear
It seems innocuous enough, right? Wait, what’s that? It looks a little weird? Well, maybe that’s because it’s made of placenta. That’s right, bitches, while in some cultures it is customary to eat the placenta, in ours, you can send it off to have it tanned and sewn into a creepy as hell teddy bear. And when your kid is all, Mom I don’t want to play with it, it says weird things when I’m sleeping. You can say, “Don’t act like your too good for that bear, it nourished you for nine months.” And then your kid will throw up in his mouth.
Although it does answer the age old question: what to do with all this pesky afterbirth that’s just sitting around here?
1. My Dinner With Andre Action Figures
Although, if he were old enough and got the joke, that would be awesome… But still probably the lamest Christmas gift of all time… I’m sorry, I’m just imagining him sitting around trying to play with his “action figures.” Classic.
BONUS – I will not buy this:
As much as I want Pat to bond with the baby, not like this folks. Not like this.
Also that is a f-ing lot of milk. Also Also, these warnings accompany the device:
- Studies were inconclusive as to the future psychological problems that arose in men that wore Mr. Milker
- It is NOT recommended that Mr. Milker be used as a sexual aid. (no shit, sherlock)
- Weaker men may experience back problems from the use of Mr. Milker
- Mr. Milker bladders have been known to explode in pressurized airplane cabins at altitudes over 15,000 feet (good to know when I’m traveling to those international male breastfeeding conventions)