Things You Didn’t Want to Know

So we just got back from Hawaii and the most beautiful wedding on the beach with the most beautiful couple you could ever hope to meet. And aside from all that, and yes, I will post pictures (still doing the Panera internet thing, damnit) here are the things you really didnt want to know about our trip to hawaii:

1. I peed on my hand. This is something that has never really happened to me before. I was attempting to take care of some female business, extenuating circumstances upon which I will not elaborate, and all of the sudden I started to pee. ON MY HAND. And there was this moment of panic, like do I move my hand and drip pee all over, or do I just leave it there?!? I’m not really sure what the appropriate response was, but in my panic, I just sat there and peed all over my hand. All the while screaming, “Patrick, I’m peeing on my hand! Oh My God, I’m Peeing On My Hand!” To which he said nothing, which I’m pretty sure, is actually the correct response when someone yells at you, “I’m peeing on my hand!”

2. Patrick becomes a mongloid when he attempts to apply sun screen. This became apparent when random splotches of his body turned bright purple while others remained innocently white. Being as we were using Ultra-Sweatproof Waterproof 50 SPF, I was able to determine that he must have put suncreen on his hands and then proceeded to have a seizure during which he managed to slap his legs and arms in one or two places. Which is, most likely what actually happened. Also, there was a conspicuous white hand print on my back. Like he had slapped my back once with sunscreen and then said, “there, that should take care of it.” Which, surprisingly enough, didn’t actually take care of it.

3. Coral in swimming areas is a painful motherfucker. and if I ever see some coral out alone at night, I will totally punch it in it’s fucking face. (needless to say, Patrick and I returned from Hawaii with battle wounds… you may have won this round, coral reef, but I totally peed on you! ha!)

4. Patrick and I did not buy t-shirts to commemorate our trip. The reason we did not, is because we did not find any that would appropriately summarize what we wanted to say about our trip. We would like to submit the following t-shirt slogans which we, and I’m sure many other travellers, would buy if we found them:

“I went to Hawaii and all I got was Melanoma.”

short, to the point, and probably applies to more vacationers than know it.

“Hawaii kicked my ass.”

again, probably applies to more vacationers and would be way cooler to wear than, say, Hard Rock Cafe, Honolulu. Seriously? Seriously? That is how you want to announce your vacation to Hawaii to strangers? We went to hawaii and visited an overpriced restaurant with shitty food! Neat!

“I peed on my hand in Hawaii!”

ok, so I may be the only one ever that this applies to, but still… I mean, I would totally buy that mo-fo and wear it every day.

So, again, I will post Hawaii pictures in a couple days…


2 responses to “Things You Didn’t Want to Know

  1. so basically this is what i’m getting. you spend the first year peeing in front of each other, and after that you get to actually pee ON one another?

    well, i’m not getting married if that’s what it comes to. 😉

  2. Glad you guys had fun.
    Even more glad you’re back. Missed my Summer B(log). 🙂

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