Tempting God to make a statement

It started as an innocent trip to a pet store. While perusing the things that I want but can’t responsibly have, I noticed a tank filled with goldfish that looked like this:
bubble-eye goldfish, aka, God's little punchline Now if this isn’t one of God’s little punchlines, I honestly don’t know what is. After pointing and laughing for a goodly amount of time, I was struck with the idea that perhaps, I could bring this little mirth session home.

Bubble-eye goldfish #1 – named Vincent Vega survived in a small fishbowl until Patrick bought me a tank, and then he survived for about a year, until I received a suspicious call from my room mate while on vacation claiming he had died for no apparent reason, and through no fault of her own. (I think she and I both know what really happened. As soon as I left the house, she could no longer contain her curiosity about what those things would look like out of water. Oh, I know, Sama, I know. btw, uhh.. unrelated, but congrats on the new job!)

moving on: Bubble-eye #2 was named, in a moment of originality, Vincent Vega #2. He perished in a similarly dubious fashion after having spent the majority of his short life inexplicably floating near the surface. Seriously, I thought he was on the verge of kicking it for like 3 months.

So I moved on to black moors and telescope eye fish. This was tank set-up #3.

Now the plain gold one, was clearly only bought to contrast with the other two. Black, Gold and somewhere in between. It looked great actually. for like two freakin days…

The black one we named Jesus and the gold one Muhammad. Mainly because we thought it would be fun to narrate what was going on in the tank that way. (“Uh Summer, Jesus keeps eating all the food before Muhammad can get any.” “Patrick, I think Muhammad just declared jihad on Jesus”)

We considered naming the calico one Buddha, but I just couldn’t let go of the name Dexter Domino. Unrelated, but it seemed to fit.

Anyhow, it seems that Muhammad really did declare Jihad on every other living thing in that tank. First Dexter Domino died. I had hoped Jesus would put in a better showing, but soon he too was out of the picture. Then it was just Muhammad and the cleaner fish, a plecostamus named Saul Alinsky. (because I’m clever like that.) Anyhow, it was not long before even the plecostamus turned up dead. A FREAKING PLECOSTOMUS! These guys are practically indestructible. They have an armored back!! And still, he found resistance was futile. After the tank was completely green, I caved and bought a snail, thinking he would be better fortified.

Now I was stuck with one fish I didn’t like, that was too aggressive to add other fish to, and who I felt too guilty to stop feeding or flush down the toilet. Every morning as I grudgingly dropped flakes in there, Patrick had to remind me that this too would pass.

It did, none too quickly in my opinion, but still I am left pondering the moral of this story. Perhaps, the moral is
Don’t mess with Islam.
or perhaps it is
If you were able to contain religion in a fish tank for long enough, it would eventually smother itself with its own waste.
or perhaps
Naming your household pets after sacred figures is just wrong, and I should be ashamed for doing it.

Either way, I gave up on goldfish and bought a couple of tetras, who are doing very nicely, thanks for asking.

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4 responses to “Tempting God to make a statement

  1. Hah! I do love your blogs…

    Your fishy experience appears strangely parallel to my own. Except I did commit involuntary manslaughter on poor Iggy. I’m impressed your google eyed goldfish lasted so long. I only had one and it took all of 3 weeks before leaving me for the big goldfish bowl in the sky.

    I also used to keep tadpoles and frogs when I was a kid. I had about 5 or 6 of them and their names were Kermit 1, Kermit 2, Kermit 3…..

  2. I had a awful roommate who had an awful fishtank with an awful fish. We had a pool going for when it would die, but it swam around ON ITS SIDE for two months, periodically floating at the top then pretending to live again before it finally gave up the ghost.

    The mossy skull thing was fun, though:

  3. did i ever tell you that bailey kept naming her fish “mary” “jesus” and “peter”? she had an OBSESSION with peter when she was 4. everytime they died, she would just rename them w/ those three names over and over and over.

    do you suppose that naming fish after religious/famous people is, in greg schreck fashion, a way of claiming ownership over those particular people? kind of like taking their picture….INTERESTING……….;)

  4. Sum Sum…I remember killing Dawns fish by feeding it chunks of cheese, crackers, etc. Poor little guy didn’t have a chance when Dawn left for Europe. After it died we gave it a little funeral with songs and pictures to go along with it. I couldn’t help it . .he stunk up our townhouse. He had it coming. By the by, those pictures of me on xanga, people think it is really me. I am so embarassed!

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