end of an era

this is not summer.

Summer is dead. she died valiantly while trying to save her family from a sinking ship. don’t come back to this website.

ok, really though, I’m done. in case you couldnt figure it out from the last post, I’ve hit rock bottom. get it, bottom? haha. feeble, i know. the thing is, our life is so transitional right now, and using the internet at panera, really not so inspiring. thanks for reading and loving me. if you miss the blog, pick up your f-ing phone and call me.

Taking Care of Business

Sadly, we still have not taken care of our lack of internet. Currently I am at Cafe Miaroma because I found out that Panera limits free wi-fi to 30 minutes between 10:30-1:30. Rude.

In other news, I am applying to be a vet tech part time and volunteering at the Chattanooga Zoo. All of a sudden I’m all about animals. Well… more so than usual I guess. Coco just got checked out by the vet, who says that for a 13 year old cat, he is in great shape. I asked him if he had a pill to make him never ever die, but he just kind of looked at me funny. What good are vets anyways?

Music and Movies and Books I have recently experienced:

Interpol – great new album. As my brother Jared says, it grows on you. You tell it to get off, but it just doesn’t listen. and it has pictures of animals on the album. are we starting to see a theme here?

Downtown Singapore – Don’t Let Your Guard Down – this one was 99 cents at the used book/music store that Patrick and I go to sometimes. I decided to browse the sale racks and bought like 16 dollar cds. It’s like Mae and Guns N’ Roses got together and made sweet sweet love and Downtown Singapore is the lovely love child. I feel a little guilty for enjoying it so much but oh well. I am what I am.

The Sass – Bleach Blonde – Again, 99 cents, and I’m so glad about that because umm… it kind of sucks. The lyrics are immature and whiny, the riffs are stolen directly from Weezer and the vocalist would probably deny to his dying day that he sounds like Chris Carabba…which doesnt negate the fact that he does. and so yeah. venom, hatred, vomit, all over this cd.

Ratatouille – I not only saw this movie with Patrick, I then went and took my brother to see it also. It is so good. Paul Giamatti does a good job as the voice of the main character, obviously a rat that wants to cook. Especially enjoyable is the voice of Peter O’Toole as heartless food critic Anton Ego. His little monologue towards the end of the movie, is full of truth about the relationship between critic and artist, the kind that kids might not understand until they are a little older. I would recommend this movie for kids or adults. Its a great time with the same quality that we have come to expect from Pixar.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix. ugh. I can’t stop going to these movies even though they depress me. The actors playing the Weasley twins appear to be in their late twenties, although they are just 21, and are supposed to be what, 16, 17 in this movie? Dudley is horrible, and looks nothing like described in the book. Plus, they kill off the only good actor in this movie. (Well we all knew that was going to happen, but still.) I was very excited for all the dark scenes in Black’s house – imagine if this movie had been directed by Tim Burton! I was only half satisfied in that regard. The two bright points were Imelda Stanton as Dolores Umbridge – her little giggle is pure evil. and Evanna Lynch as Luna Lovegood. So funny, and apparently (at least according to IMBD) her first movie. Good for her!
Evanna Lynch

I am slightly disturbed at the bulging biceps that have suddenly appeared on Daniel Radcliffe. Perhaps he developed them for his recent part in a play by Peter Shaffer called Equus. The role is about a disturbed teen, who either falls in love with a horse, or has sex with a horse, or is sexually developing and horses just happen to be around… something like that, I was a little confused. Anyways, I read an article where his agent said maybe it will help people stop associating his age (19) with that of Harry (14 in Pheonix). I guess he’s following in good footsteps since Anthony Hopkins opened the same part in a 1973 version of Equus.

This is the Harry Potter you have grown to know and love…

Will Daniel Radcliffe be able to go on and transcend his role as Harry Potter? Personally, I doubt it. At least to me, he will always be like Elijah Wood, who I can never remember, and even now, just had to look up, because every subsequent thing he does is, “you know, that movie with Frodo…”

Patrick is stabbing me with icepicks through his eyes because he wants to do things that are more important than blogging about Harry Potter. Damn his eyes.

Things You Didn’t Want to Know

So we just got back from Hawaii and the most beautiful wedding on the beach with the most beautiful couple you could ever hope to meet. And aside from all that, and yes, I will post pictures (still doing the Panera internet thing, damnit) here are the things you really didnt want to know about our trip to hawaii:

1. I peed on my hand. This is something that has never really happened to me before. I was attempting to take care of some female business, extenuating circumstances upon which I will not elaborate, and all of the sudden I started to pee. ON MY HAND. And there was this moment of panic, like do I move my hand and drip pee all over, or do I just leave it there?!? I’m not really sure what the appropriate response was, but in my panic, I just sat there and peed all over my hand. All the while screaming, “Patrick, I’m peeing on my hand! Oh My God, I’m Peeing On My Hand!” To which he said nothing, which I’m pretty sure, is actually the correct response when someone yells at you, “I’m peeing on my hand!”

2. Patrick becomes a mongloid when he attempts to apply sun screen. This became apparent when random splotches of his body turned bright purple while others remained innocently white. Being as we were using Ultra-Sweatproof Waterproof 50 SPF, I was able to determine that he must have put suncreen on his hands and then proceeded to have a seizure during which he managed to slap his legs and arms in one or two places. Which is, most likely what actually happened. Also, there was a conspicuous white hand print on my back. Like he had slapped my back once with sunscreen and then said, “there, that should take care of it.” Which, surprisingly enough, didn’t actually take care of it.

3. Coral in swimming areas is a painful motherfucker. and if I ever see some coral out alone at night, I will totally punch it in it’s fucking face. (needless to say, Patrick and I returned from Hawaii with battle wounds… you may have won this round, coral reef, but I totally peed on you! ha!)

4. Patrick and I did not buy t-shirts to commemorate our trip. The reason we did not, is because we did not find any that would appropriately summarize what we wanted to say about our trip. We would like to submit the following t-shirt slogans which we, and I’m sure many other travellers, would buy if we found them:

“I went to Hawaii and all I got was Melanoma.”

short, to the point, and probably applies to more vacationers than know it.

“Hawaii kicked my ass.”

again, probably applies to more vacationers and would be way cooler to wear than, say, Hard Rock Cafe, Honolulu. Seriously? Seriously? That is how you want to announce your vacation to Hawaii to strangers? We went to hawaii and visited an overpriced restaurant with shitty food! Neat!

“I peed on my hand in Hawaii!”

ok, so I may be the only one ever that this applies to, but still… I mean, I would totally buy that mo-fo and wear it every day.

So, again, I will post Hawaii pictures in a couple days…

My Secret Shopping Buddy

Unlike most wives, I have decided that Patrick is actually the best shopping buddy ever. I was slightly shocked myself, so I compiled this list of reasons to remind myself of why.

Reason #1

I’m convinced there is some sort of transformation device in the mens dressing room. I say this because Patrick is unable to simply walk out of the dressing room like a normal adult, but instead, he always emerges with a puffed out chest, sucked in stomach and his arms stuck out 8 inches from his side. He marchs out of that dressing room and stands there looking down on me like he just downed about 15 Creatine shakes. He claims he is unaware of this metamorphasis, and that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Fool. My job is to engage him in innocent conversation until he forgets that I’m observing him and relaxes so I can see how the clothes will actually fit, since he is not, in general practice parading around like a wind-up toy soldier. This is endearing, and makes me think he is oh, like, about 5, and also, ummm, adorable.

Reason #2

Even though we have a joint bank account, and it’s both of our money, I always make him pay at the counter, and somehow, it just feels like it’s not my money I’m spending. It’s like going out for retail therapy on someone else’s tab. except it’s really mine…but I choose not to think about that. and that is totally healthy.

Reason #3

It always amuses me how bad he is at gauging what clothes will look like on.

Me: I kind of like this dress.
Him: Are you serious?
Me: I don’t know. yes.
Him: Not that dress, honey.
Me: Well I’m just going to try it on. Maybe it will look different on.
Him: Maybe.
…
Him: Wow. You look hot.
Me: This is the dress you didn’t like.
Him: Is it? No, I never I said I didn’t like that one.
Me: uhh…yes, you did.
Him: Hmm… whatever. Buy it.
Me: chuckles to myself

Reason #4

He is the ultimate litmus test of how good something looks on me. If I come out of the dressing room and he looks casually and says it looks “nice,” then I am probably not going to buy it. If, on the other hand, I come out and he takes a quick breath and then starts trying to peek into the dressing rooms behind me to see if he could sneak in, I know it’s a keeper. Also, my head gets just a little bit larger. And that is worth so much more than any girls half hearted opinion.

With all that said, I just bought a dress, with Patrick, to wear to my friends wedding on the beach, in Hawaii.

So yah, ok, it’s from Wet Seal and I should probably be a little embarassed about that, and it’s going to look really lonely in my closet since its the only pink thing I own… but I love it, and besides, you can’t criticize because I’m wearing it in Hawaii, bitch! If you want to see it, just go to wetseal.com It’s so hot, its on the opening page. and I look totally hotter than that girl.

ps – if you just opened that link, how embarrassed are you that wet seal is going to be in your browser history!

(oh, BTW, I will be in Hawaii for a week, so I won’t be posting. but I might be wearing a coconut bra. Just ruminate on that, it’ll help take the edge off…unless this is one of my brothers, because that’s awkward. Hi Ty and Jared! I wear turtlenecks all the time…Love you! Send money!)

In the words of Stephanie Tanner, “How Rude!”

In the last two years that I have lived in apartment complexes, I have always had free internet. I would probably be a better, if somewhat dumber, person if I believed that, hey, it’s a free service provided by my landlord, or if I thought it just magically worked without questioning the how, or why. However, I do know. I know that someone above or beside me is paying for wireless internet, and I am a pirate. arrrg. I try to be conscientious, I get on at wierd hours, I don’t download big files, if I notice that it is running slow, I get off and allow them unfettered access to downloading porn or whatever it is that they do with the internet they pay for. HOWEVER, in spite of my consideration, our internet providers have moved! How dare they, when we had this mutually beneficially relationship going on. So now I am at Panera. I am sitting here writing to explain in the middle of Panera.

Patrick and I were all set to write a review of Ocean’s 13 – which we totally saw, only so we could review it here. But alas, he is at work, and I promised to wait.

However, I can tell you that as I was falling asleep the other night, I came up with the title for his article: “Revenge is a dish best served Soderbergh.” Clever, right?

Since it may be a little while, I should also do my favorite part of the show: Things Zach says that make me love life a little bit more. I guess all the boys have been at Vacation Bible School this week, and Zachary came home on Monday and said
“Mom, what day is it?”
To which she replied, “Monday”
“Well, they were trying to trick us into thinking it was Sunday. They wanted us to worship Jesus!”

Oh, the indignity.

The next day he came home and said, “It says school but we aren’t learning anything!!”

Dear Zach, I love you. You are my hero. Love, Sissy.

*On a side note, since I mentioned Stephanie Tanner, does anyone know what she is doing now? Ooh! Ooh! I do! I do! I was watching this ridiculous show called “Dance Off, Pants Off” where people strip on television when it hit me that the host was totally Stephanie Tanner. Now if that isn’t terrifying, I don’t know what is.

post anniversary wisdom

Everything was great.

Hands down, the highlight of the zoo for me – the biggest Golden Lion Tamarin exhibit I have ever seen. The habitat is open so you can actually be within 5 feet of these little guys without bars in between. (But you might get asked to step back as they can catch our illnesses) They have always been one of my favorite animals at the zoo, although normally they are in tiny little boxy habitats, so this was happy! I guess the zoos have released 1000 of them into the wild, and they are doing well, but now they have to stop because their natural habitat can’t support any more of them. sad.

Also red pandas are amazing. also, secretly, I don’t get the big deal about giant pandas. shhh. (I mean, I know they are endangered and it’s great what they are doing to preserve them, but the fanaticism about this animal in particular… I don’t join in)

Wisdom gleaned from the zoo:

#1. Gorillas don’t like little kids yelling at them. and do occasionally throw things out of the exhibit.

#2. If you take a kid to the zoo, they will inevitably discover the chipmunk in the bush and be more interested in it than in the sleeping tiger in front of them. Don’t yell at them, it’s inescapable.

#3. No, you don’t sound like whatever animal you are trying to imitate. No, they are not fooled and they are not going to do anything interesting in response to you. And no, if they didn’t show interest the first time you made the sound, repeating the same noise over and over will not eventually get their attention.

#4. I overheard a kid yelling at the Mona Monkeys “Hey! Did you know that I am from Earth, and YOU are from Africa!!!” and I thought, that summarizes so much that is wrong with the US.

*On a side note, Patrick and I are going to start doing movie reviews! We are excited because we love film and would love to share our opinions (which are bountiful) with everyone. So keep your eyes peeled, we will be doing our first movie review soon!*

My friend said all I talk about is my pets. So this post, no pets.

Sunday I will be married for a year. So far neither of us has had an affair, which already puts us ahead of my parents (who stayed married afterward for 23 more years). Although Patrick has told me that he’s currently accepting applications. (to all you would be applicants, be forewarned, he does pick his nose. On the up side, he’s a great kisser.)

Anyway, for our one year anniversary we are taking a trip to Hot-lanta! Yay! We are going to the zoo, and botanical gardens, and the zoo, and eating at an organic Thai restaurant. The restaurant has a goldfish pond. Did I mention we are going to the zoo? I already have my menu picked out at the Thai restaurant too. Green chicken curry, Tom-Kha (coconut soup), and Ka-nam Mhor-gang (sweet rice in coconut custard). I convinced Patrick that he should order the crispy basil duck, since that was the other thing I really really wanted. I am so excited for food. I love food. I have always loved food. Seriously, if you ever want to ask me a favor, like to carry out a hit for you, or donate my kidney, sit me down for a nice meal and afterwards I will be unable to refuse. or take me to the zoo.

So, amongst other things, I am buying Patrick these, because they may just be the coolest things I have come across in a really long time:

On first glance, innocent enough, however look closer. Is it wrong that the penguins are kind of turning me on?

For more pictures and a very amusing description, check out fussy.org, which is where I got the idea.

On the plus side, imagine how much fun it will be to serve tea to unsuspecting guests and wait to see if they will notice… like my mom. $50 says no, no she won’t.

I have included the following links, so that you can follow along, and pretend that you are the on our date with us. Go in order, starting about 1:00 pm on Sunday.

The botanical gardens. peruse this website until about 5, when you should start getting ready for dinner.

At 7:30 go to Le Thai. Make sure you request a table by the goldfish. and drink wine. lots of wine.

Spend all day Monday here Atlanta Zoo!

…possibly stop by Ikea on your way out of the city because, it’s there. and it’s Ikea. and you eat cheap swedish furniture for breakfast.

Tempting God to make a statement

It started as an innocent trip to a pet store. While perusing the things that I want but can’t responsibly have, I noticed a tank filled with goldfish that looked like this:
Now if this isn’t one of God’s little punchlines, I honestly don’t know what is. After pointing and laughing for a goodly amount of time, I was struck with the idea that perhaps, I could bring this little mirth session home.

Bubble-eye goldfish #1 – named Vincent Vega survived in a small fishbowl until Patrick bought me a tank, and then he survived for about a year, until I received a suspicious call from my room mate while on vacation claiming he had died for no apparent reason, and through no fault of her own. (I think she and I both know what really happened. As soon as I left the house, she could no longer contain her curiosity about what those things would look like out of water. Oh, I know, Sama, I know. btw, uhh.. unrelated, but congrats on the new job!)

moving on: Bubble-eye #2 was named, in a moment of originality, Vincent Vega #2. He perished in a similarly dubious fashion after having spent the majority of his short life inexplicably floating near the surface. Seriously, I thought he was on the verge of kicking it for like 3 months.

So I moved on to black moors and telescope eye fish. This was tank set-up #3.

Now the plain gold one, was clearly only bought to contrast with the other two. Black, Gold and somewhere in between. It looked great actually. for like two freakin days…

The black one we named Jesus and the gold one Muhammad. Mainly because we thought it would be fun to narrate what was going on in the tank that way. (”Uh Summer, Jesus keeps eating all the food before Muhammad can get any.” “Patrick, I think Muhammad just declared jihad on Jesus”)

We considered naming the calico one Buddha, but I just couldn’t let go of the name Dexter Domino. Unrelated, but it seemed to fit.

Anyhow, it seems that Muhammad really did declare Jihad on every other living thing in that tank. First Dexter Domino died. I had hoped Jesus would put in a better showing, but soon he too was out of the picture. Then it was just Muhammad and the cleaner fish, a plecostamus named Saul Alinsky. (because I’m clever like that.) Anyhow, it was not long before even the plecostamus turned up dead. A FREAKING PLECOSTOMUS! These guys are practically indestructible. They have an armored back!! And still, he found resistance was futile. After the tank was completely green, I caved and bought a snail, thinking he would be better fortified.

Now I was stuck with one fish I didn’t like, that was too aggressive to add other fish to, and who I felt too guilty to stop feeding or flush down the toilet. Every morning as I grudgingly dropped flakes in there, Patrick had to remind me that this too would pass.

It did, none too quickly in my opinion, but still I am left pondering the moral of this story. Perhaps, the moral is
Don’t mess with Islam.
or perhaps it is
If you were able to contain religion in a fish tank for long enough, it would eventually smother itself with its own waste.
or perhaps
Naming your household pets after sacred figures is just wrong, and I should be ashamed for doing it.

Either way, I gave up on goldfish and bought a couple of tetras, who are doing very nicely, thanks for asking.

A hairrowing tale of lies and deceptions

If you don’t like reading, allow me to save you the trouble. Don’t buy Revlon’s Colorsilk hair dye. Don’t do it. Don’t stop in the aisle to look at the color choices. Just say no.

Now you can skip the rest of this post.

For everyone else, the saga begins. This is me, pre-dye. I decided that my hair is getting scraggly and also that I look a bit like a homeschooling mother of seven. (Which I may, in fact, one day be. At which time, I will attempt to recreate this hairstyle to a tee. and I may also visit ladiesagainstfeminism.com. except not really.)

Background information on how we got to this point. Throughout highschool, I frequently colored my hair blonder using Feria. I liked it. Then I graduated and experimented with the short hair, exciting colors. At various stages I was purple, cherry red, black, maroon, and then a bizarre combo of natural blond fading into bleach blond fading into orange. (When I attempted to bleach out the black) Observe:

(unfortunately, I couldn’t find any of the purple hair pictures – it only lasted about a week)

I recently got married, and I, like many others, wanted my hair to be long and luxurious and my natural color for the wedding. You know, natural beauty and blah blah blah. While it was long (at least by my standards) and completely my natural color (used much much restraint here) luxurious is a word that will never really be applied to my hair. I see that now. It did put in a good showing at the wedding:

*wedding hair, looking as though it exists simply to look pretty. naturally.

After the wedding, I felt so sentimental about it actually being my hair, that I didn’t want to cut it. What the hell? I’ve never been one of those girls. I used to laugh at people who were afraid to cut or change their hair. It’s just hair was my mantra. A new style or color gives you a fresh start, a new lease on life. So why did it take me 11 months after the wedding to actually do it? I blame Nicole Kidman, and Jennifer Lopez and Faith Hill and hell, even Taylor Hanson, and everyone else who makes having long hair look glamorous and easy and luxurious.

So I’m finally fed up, and ready for a change and I decide I want to look like this:

Hot right? Although it’s likely a wig. Nonetheless this is the color I’m going for. This is the color on the box. It looks good on Uma and one time a table told me I looked like her, and seriously, it was the one time they could have actually not left any tip at all and they still would have been my favorite table that day. I heart Uma. I was originally just going to do the color but after blowdrying my long-now yellow-hair, I decided it needed to be cut too. and hell, why not stick with the same photo.

ok. this is what happened. Day one, after rinsing out and attempting to style.

I look like I’m wearing a wig and oh, how I wish I was.
Smell-o-factor: like Sweet Honesty and cigarette butts, honestly, my cat won’t let me near him because he thinks I’m a different person.

Day two, after 1 shower x 2 shampoos:

Eyeing my hair with distrust.
Smell-o-factor: down to a 7 out of 10. starting to fade.
Day three, 2 showers x 2 shampoos:

Actually, not so bad. kind of cute.. if you’re into that sort of thing.
Smell-o-factor: almost gone, still detectable, but barely.

Day four, 3 showers, but only one shampoo this time because I got distracted. (Patrick, just because I thought it would be funny to give you a hitler mustache with mascara and it supposedly got in your mouth, it is still NOT ok to spit on the shower floor without warning me when my feet are there! uh… hypothetically, I mean.)

Let’s compare:

Ok, so the color on the box matches Uma’s hair better than mine, and her haircut looks like it may have been done by a professional… but I so totally could be her kid sister. and it doesn’t matter what you think, because we could so totally kick your ass.

Zach again

I promise to post pictures tonight while Patrick is at work, in the meantime, I give you Zachary’s reaction.

Him: “Hey, Sis, your hair is different”
Me: “It is, what’s different about it?”

In pure amazement and awe: “It’s… golden.“

Later in the night I called all the boys to go outside and play Ghost in the Graveyard and Grayson and Ben came running out of my dad’s weight room. I turned the light off and heard a tiny voice “Wait! Grayson, don’t leave me like this!”

Thinking that Zach was afraid of the dark, I turned the light back on and saw him struggling with his teeny little stick arms to lift an empty bar off his chest (probably weighed about 45 lbs.) That was a little terrifying, considering we could have all just left and Zachary himself probably does not weigh much more than 45 lbs. After I helped him, he said, “Grayson was making me lift it to prove how strong I am!”

Any kid that has this much trouble just supporting his own weight, should probably find diplomatic solutions to challenges to his strength.